Monday, October 09, 2006 ; 2:31 PM
around 4 am this morning, slightly more than half an hour after i got off the phone with jeffrey, i cried out to the Lord begging Him to take my life away. just let me die peacefully in my sleep. i dont want to ever wake up again.
this world is too terrifying for me to handle. sometimes, i wonder to myself if God has placed us on earth as a test of our tolerance level. the pain from this love is really nearly unbearable. the pressure i receive from my parents and myself to pass with flying colours for the upcoming olevels. the bitterness i see in all sorts of relationships. im guessing my very own brother is going through a difficult time himself. a pity i failed to fulfil my duty as a sister, to at least know what exactly he is going through. but i really have no time for him. i have my own problem and my studies to cope with. at present, we are sleeping at different timings which distants us even further. and i believe quite a number of my close friends are experiencing boy-girl relationship problems as well. was just chatting with one of my classmates in the evening yesterday. in addition, friendship has somewhat turned into a nightmare as well. all the backstabbing that is going on, etc. but if you can find true friends, i say good for you. :D
all these problems pile up and it seems that life is slowly turning into a living hell. so torturing, that even a girl like me had encountered with suicidal thoughts early this morning. i wondered. if i were to cut deep enough into my artery, then soak my wrist in warm water, causing the artery to burst, would i die faster that way ? rather than just allowing the blood to flow continuously until i pass out and be gone from this world. after all, its not like im afraid of blood anymore. if i were, i think i would have died countless of times. (for the benefit of those whose minds process slower, its because we girls menstruate every month. pardon me if you find me too straightforward) and taking in poison would have been another option.
but then again, its not like he would care even if i die someday. question then would be, if you dont care, why should i ? if he can take the break up so lightly, why cant i ? WHY NOT ? i couldnt find a perfect reason to my answer. so naturally i dropped the idea of suicide. its not like i was that keen on it anyway. there are so many things out there in this world that i have to try, that i have to experience. besides, suicide is just a stupid solution for you to escape from all your troubles. or rather, a coward's solution. thus i ended up concluding that my next entry (which is this entry) would be a really long one. im going to blog everything out. maybe it would help me to let go. i dont know. maybe just to a certain extent. but a little bit helps. at least its better than none.
and i decided to dedicate this portion (from here until the end) of my entry to my ex boyfriend. his name is jeffrey. to all my other readers out there, you can stop reading now. haha. :D but it doesnt matter even if you wanna continue. there isnt much for me to hide anyway.
well i have never done this or anything similar to this before. so right now, even though i have many things to say to you (which you probably dont know because i never told you before), my mind cant construct it systematically and producing it out. so this is really weird. and some sort of confession time. haha. :D
but first and foremost, i would like to begin with thanking you, from the bottom of my heart. thank you for the many wonderful memories you have created for me. even though right now looking back hurts me, but at least i have experienced that special kind of sweetness. something which i have never really experienced before. and for compromising with me although sometimes you reluctantly do so (like that time when jon joined us in the library. i know you have mentioned before that you dont like socialising with new people - although i beg to differ ! but i really appreciated the fact that you didnt complain or anything. instead you just kept quiet about it). and thank you for allowing me to try out something new. (you should know what i mean. dont think you would want me to say it out here yes ? lol. but yeah, despite the fact that i never actually thought i would do something like that and thought i crossed my guiding line by a little bit, i dont actually regret doing it even at this point in time) :D
i remember the first time we got to know each other, was through maplestory. because i happened to be guild-hopping at that point in time, and since amber invited me to join unorthodox, i agreed. although i was new to the guild, your nonsense was just humourous and it did make me smile. what 'katong flowers' T.T like, whatt rubbish is that man ?! LOL. then for some reason or another, we chatted through private messaging in the guild and i told you about dave. before he and i got together, when we actually got together and after we broke up. you shared with me some of your personal life as well. for some reason or another, we managed to click. and i guess that was the main reason as to why we got married on maple, though there were no feelings. and yes, thank you for buying the pre-paid cards and paying for the marriage. it was a memorable one. :)
as time went by, we exchanged handphone numbers, got to know each other better, then finally met up. and it was at the very last cabin of the mrt train if you remember. i was as usual petrified for no apparent reason. so we ended up messaging each other instead, although less than 5 metres apart. well thank you for spending money on smsing, instead of just confronting me and scaring me away. haha. :D until that point, there were still no feelings.
time went on and we got together. i never actually thought i would have taken the risk again, after what happened between me and dave. but since i sort of liked you and was really touched by your sincerity, i decided to take another gamble. i thought to myself "you never try, you never know" ! :D just maybe, you could be my mr right. just maybe. and i remember when i broke the news out to melody, she was shocked. very. she asked me why i did such a thing. and even after i explained to her, i dont actually think i got her full support. but yeah.
one thing i must confess. when we first started out and when you told me you marked on your handphone until december 2006. as in, monthly anniversaries. honestly i was taken aback by surprise. and i thought to myself "would we last that long ?" 5 months at that point in time seemed like quite a long time for me. but true enough, we didnt even last for 5 months. unfortunately for me, the reason was the other way round. it wasnt because i didnt want to be in the relationship anymore. but you.
as i look at what i typed, i realised i wasnt that serious with you to begin with. how did i end up in the state i am in now ? im pretty curious to know the answer myself. how is it possible that within less than 2 months, i know i do love you ? (okay maybe not love. but definitely the very least of a strong liking) how come its so deep that i can even cry because of you until this very day ? its been 1 month and 2 days. you know me. i told you when we were friends that i seldom cry for guys. because i feel that they arent worth it. i cried 3 nights for ervin, and 5 nights for dave. after which, all the tears just stopped there. call me hard-hearted if you must ! :D so how come things ended up like this ? why did we even have to break up ? was it necessary ? couldnt we try working things out ?
but i guess i will now leave the unanswered questions aside.
i will let go, just like what you and i want me to do. i know you are already more than half way through. so its now my turn.
and if you wanna know why i cried last night, it was because of what you said. about the 30% thing. im telling you now, that i think its bullshit. you cant and shouldnt be telling me that you still love me. because its not true. when you really love a person, you wont be able to decrease the depth of 'love' for that someone within such a short period of time. love is not something in which you can control. and my answer to your question last night was going to be a 100% but i really didnt have the mood to let you know. plus i felt like a fool, toyed by this special but scary thing called love. and i only learnt all these after our break up. before that, i never really knew much even though i must admit i had quite a number of relationships. :D but life is a learning journey. we never stop learning. im glad i learnt more about love now.
ohwells. its all over now. im glad we are still friends. i will make myself let go as soon as possible. i dont know how long i would take. maybe a couple of months ? years ? i dont know. but one thing thats for sure. life is full of ups and downs. now that im at the down, i will be at the up sometime soon. :) look at the positive side denise. your cup is half full, not half empty.
so good luck jeffrey. all the best in finding the girl you really love. hopefully she too will love you. then you wont suffer from all the pain. WHILE I WILL GO HUNTING FOR MY RICH AND OLD DYING MAN ! :D hahaha. till then people !
